Limericks

May 18, 2019
Originally published on May 18, 2019 12:23 pm
Copyright 2019 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming shows June 27 at the Mann Center in Philadelphia and our very first show at the beautiful Blossom Music Center located within Cuyahoga National Park in Ohio, July 18.

(APPLAUSE)

HELEN HONG: Wow.

ADAM FELBER: Hey.

SAGAL: Pretty exciting.

HONG: That sounds great.

SAGAL: Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

THERESA APPLE: Hi, Peter.

SAGAL: Who's this?

APPLE: I'm Theresa Apple (ph) from Pittsfield, Mass.

SAGAL: I know Pittsfield out there in western Massachusetts.

APPLE: That's right.

SAGAL: Not far from Lenox, where, sometimes, we do our show. What do you do there?

APPLE: I am a registered nurse in the operating room of a local hospital. I am...

SAGAL: OK.

(APPLAUSE)

APPLE: Yeah. I'm a girls high school cross-country coach...

SAGAL: Oh, good for you.

APPLE: ...A massage therapist and a yoga teacher.

SAGAL: Wow.

HONG: Wow. You have all the jobs.

SAGAL: You're like full service.

APPLE: I am, yeah.

HONG: That's very exciting. But don't you have an obligation to be extremely healthy and fit yourself doing all those things.

APPLE: I do, and I am.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, there we are. Well, Theresa, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. Are you ready to play?

APPLE: I am. Let's do it.

SAGAL: Let's do it. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Though my driver's not starting a riot, he keeps yakking about his new diet. But I don't want to talk. I might get out and walk. I'll pay more if the driver stays...

APPLE: Quiet.

SAGAL: Yes.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Quiet.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Uber - you know them. They're now offering quiet mode. With the press of a button when you order the car, you can let your driver know you'd rather not talk, right? It's all part of Uber's lifelong mission of making their customers' rides more enjoyable and making their drivers feel more and more like ghosts.

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: Oh, my God. I cannot wait for this.

FELBER: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Now, you should know, Helen, that it's only available with Uber Black - that's the high-end, expensive limo option.

HONG: Oh, man.

SAGAL: And if you don't want quiet, never fear. If you prefer, customers can also select a talkative preference. They can click that.

HONG: No.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But you don't need to do this. You don't need to do this. All you need to do is get into the car and say something like, so have I ever told you about the miracle of Dianetics?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Your driver will not talk to you. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Some bites can't be scratched with mirror head shrugs, so dinosaurs kept their nests' spreads snug. It made pterodactresses (ph) throw out their mattresses because dinosaurs may have had...

APPLE: Oh, bed bugs.

SAGAL: Bed bugs, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Bed bugs.

SAGAL: It's true.

KURTIS: What a good one.

SAGAL: Scientists now tell us that dinosaurs had bed bugs, although the really surprising thing is that dinosaurs had beds.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A new study based on 15 years of research has found that bed bugs originated 100 million years ago just after the appearance of the first-ever Best Western.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This means that millennia before humans walked the earth, there were other species that never, ever changed their sheets.

ROY BLOUNT JR: Bed bugs probably say we used to have dinosaurs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Here's what 007's fame spawned. A boy's heart, which for cars remains fond. Aston Martin will build a new car, gadget-filled. They're remaking the car from...

APPLE: Bond, James Bond.

KURTIS: You are right.

SAGAL: Oh, she's good. James Bond, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: You are so good.

SAGAL: For a limited time, you can purchase an exact replica of James Bond's Aston Martin car from the movie "Goldfinger," including all the cool gadgets from that movie - rotating license plates, extendable battering rams, a smoke screen device. It even comes with a removable rear-facing car seat for James Bond Jr.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now for this - for that $3.5 million, you get a spy's car - it's amazing. It's great. It's also not street legal.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You can have it towed to a parking lot and drive it around there. And drivers will need to spend 30 hours with a learner's permit to kill before they get their license.

(LAUGHTER)

BLOUNT JR: I can remember when cocaine meant you had too much money.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's true. What do you want me to say?

Bill, how did Theresa do on our quiz?

KURTIS: The everything lady from Pittsfield did great.

SAGAL: Congratulations.

KURTIS: She won it all.

SAGAL: Congratulations. Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Add this to your many achievements. Thank you so much for playing, Theresa.

HONG: Thank you for having me.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SHIRLEY BASSEY SONG, “GOLDFINGER”) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.